To Each According to Their Ailment
February 4th, 2009It was truly sad that Tom Daschle was forced to withdraw his nomination as Health and Human Services Secretary over such a minor indiscretion as tax evasion. But just because he’s gone, doesn’t mean we can’t implement his cherished goal of healthcare rationing, which will surely improve our health system the same way it improved the British one.
As Daschle described in his book, Critical: What We Can Do About the Health Crisis, we must create a Federal Health Board, modeled on Britain’s National Institute for Health and Clinical Excellence, which has long determined what and how much care a citizen in that country receives — irrespective of what they actually need.
However, before we ration health care we must first nationalize it. For how can you ration something you don’t control absolutely?
Every hospital — whether public or private — must be taken over by the federal government — especially those heinous religious hospitals, which, while providing care to those who otherwise would receive none, stubbornly refuse to slaughter fetuses. And every health care worker — whether a doctor, a nurse, or a technician — must become federal employees and accept civil-servant pay, which will make them just as caring and efficient as any other government bureaucrat.
From this point forward, the Federal Health Board will approve every request for medical assistance, whether it be an office visit or brain surgery. Because the government is so proficient, these requests will be handled expeditiously — some even within six months. And those approved will have to wait no longer than one full day in queue before receiving treatment.
Unfortunately, not every request can or will be approved. Our limited resources must be applied as to facilitate the best good of society; that is, the most productive citizens (or non-citizens) must receive priority. Those who are old and sickly will just have to wait, and be content with the great sacrifice they’re making for their country. But they won’t have to wait in pain, as we’ll give them all the narcotics they want (or don’t want) — whatever makes them happy and docile.
Of course, what’s the point of rationing health care if you don’t ration the things that cause ill health? Therefore, the Board must also ration alcohol, tobacco, and fatty foods.
Private liquor stores will be closed, replaced by government facilities that’ll provide no more than one bottle of alcohol per week for every man, woman, and child. Bars will institute a one-drink maximum, to be enforced by undercover healthiness police.
Likewise, smokers will be restricted to one pack of cigarettes per week from government tobacco shops; or equivalently, one cigar or one pouch of chew. Moreover, smoking will be banned in nearly all places — both public and private. Smokers will have to do their ugliness in specially-marked containers, segregated from the rest of the population, where they will be properly ostracized by community organizers.
And just wait until you try the delicacies at the government-run fast-food monopoly. Yum-yum.
Yes, with sufficient will, we can power a system that will provide quality health care to all. Just not that much of it.
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© Copyright 2009 by Colin Cohen. All Rights Reserved.
