The world owes many thanks to Ashley Judd, who so bravely stood up against that evil Governor Palin and her barbarous slaughter of innocent and kindly wolves. But as progressives we must do more than just expose badness, we must also propose solutions to the problems that cause such ill.

The rationale behind this butchery is the pursuit of food. The miscreants in this dark hinterland called Alaska claim that the wolves — who have yet to realize that a vegetarian diet would be far better for them and their environment — eat moose and caribou to such an extent that there is not enough of them to feed the rural population — in particularly, the Native Americans.

The easiest solution to the problem is to alternatively feed this population. The federal government — through the largess of its current spending spree — should subsidize a chain of D’agostino and Whole Foods supermarkets throughout rural Alaska, so that these poor wretches can have access to the same tofu and arugula we all enjoy. And since the government is funding them, it won’t even matter how much money these stores lose.

Afterward, we’ll be free to ban wolf hunting entirely, which can be best accomplished through the Endangered Species Act. For as recent history has shown, we can place species on the protected list without them even being endangered.

The ban on wolf hunting, though, will create another problem. Left unchecked, the wolves would decimate the moose and caribou population, likely to the point of extinction. The solution to this requires creative, multifaceted thinking — the kind we on the Left are justifiably famous.

First, in coordination with groups like PETA, we will reeducate the wolves to not eat their neighbors. They must sufficiently advance as to become happy herbivores, just like the most forward thinking of us. We’ll accomplish this through counseling, training, and possibly some witty advertising. Perhaps Ms. Judd would even be willing to donate some of her valuable time to personally teach these creatures that violence is never the answer.

But as such a program may take many generations, and the moose and caribou may not survive its completion, we must enact a more drastic short-term solution. Just as the slaughtering of human unborn is quite acceptable to us, so should the slaughtering of wolf unborn.

In coordination with groups like Planned Parenthood, we will collect pregnant wolves and thrust catheters into the skulls of their young, so as to suck out their brains, just as we do with humans. Perhaps Ms. Judd, who has long been supportive of this type of killing, could even perform the ceremonial first thrust.

Through our concerted efforts, we can treat wolves as humanely as we treat ourselves. It’s the only way to save them from Palin’s savagery.

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© Copyright 2009 by Colin Cohen. All Rights Reserved.

This column was posted on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 9:34 am. You can follow any responses to this column through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.