Dewalmartification
March 9th, 2009President Obama this past week made clear his intention to pass the Employee Free Choice Act, which will allow unions to organize workers without a vote. The bill’s prime target is large retailers, who for too long have withstood unionization merely for the ridiculous reason that their employees never wanted it; and is the first step in the long awaited dewalmartification of America.
As most large retail operations are not unionized, they can keep larger amounts of people employed due to lower costs — but at the expense of union dues, such as those that financed that wonderful AFL-CIO junket in South Beach, Florida last week. By keeping costs low, these retailers can then keep the prices of consumer goods low, horrifically allowing poor people to survive without government assistance. Finally, this “value” provided to the consumer results in growth for the retailers, which in turn leads to these mammoth stores that blight the landscapes of our pastoral suburbs and exurbs.
But we can end this long national nightmare.
By doing away with the requirement of secret ballots, unions can take control of any large enterprise simply by getting 50% of the non-managerial workforce to sign away their bargaining rights. And freedom of expression. Instead of depending on unreliable elections, unions can personally persuade these workers to join. In their homes, if necessary. By nice men named Bruno and Rocko.
Combine this with registration support from organizations like ACORN, and getting even 150% of employees to sign up is far from impossible.
With unionization, the workers at these companies will finally be treated fairly — as not only will they receive a few dollars extra in their paycheck, but will also receive the generous benefit of having to do whatever the union bosses tell them. Also, no longer will they fear termination because of such trivial infractions as insubordination. No longer will they have to worry about their advancement being tied to job performance. And no longer will they have to be individuals. This is a good thing. For, in spite of what E. E. Cummings once wrote, most of us surely would like to be one of those ten thousand stars taught how not to dance.
Of course, due to increase expenses there will be far less stores and far fewer employees. But so what? Those without work will receive a welfare check — one likely far larger than the one they once earned.
Prices of goods in these stores will rise dramatically, too. But with it, so will wages for everyone. They will rise because the unions, in coordination with the government, will mandate they rise. We’ll worry about the resulting inflation another day.
And even if these new unionized shops don’t succeed, good will still come. For then we’ll bulldoze these eyesores, leaving the rubble as a reminder of our decadent past.
del.icio.us
© Copyright 2009 by Colin Cohen. All Rights Reserved.
