Ban Tea
April 27th, 2009As government has a responsibility to prohibit anything that is harmful (or even potentially harmful) to its citizens, ours should forthwith ban the sale, the distribution, and the possession of tea. Just as we desire to forbid such vice as drugs, guns, and trans fat for the sake of not only the health of individuals, but the health of our society as a whole, so should we desire to bar this evil concoction — one that’s being used to stir divisiveness and bitterness among those of us who have not sufficiently advanced as to appreciate high taxation and prodigious government spending.
All across America on tax day an estimated 750,000 people took part in so-called “tea parties” — apparently emulating the one held long ago in Boston, where some right-wing domestic terrorists had the gall to protest a patriotic tax on tea by dumping the product in the city’s pristine harbor. In the modern version of this party, these rabblerousing reactionaries symbolically used tea to complain about bailouts, the federal stimulus, and other such good deeds.
It was indeed frightful to witness these anti-government activities. For who ever heard of taking to the streets to protest against the government? Certainly no one on the Left would ever participate in such an insidious act. The government is our friend. It is always our friend. And we are always supportive of it, regardless of who’s in power or what their particular policies may be.
As presidential advisor David Axelrod astutely said, these protests are “unhealthy.” And as such, they must be prohibited.
Of course, to do this directly would violate that pesky constitutional right. However, nothing in the Constitution prevents banning the symbol of these protests; that is, tea. Nothing allows it, either. But just as the federal government prohibits drugs without any constitutional mandate, so could it prohibit tea.
As the two federal agencies (the Federal Drug Administration and the Drug Enforcement Agency) that determine which substances are added to the classifications of the Controlled Substances Act are both managed by political appointees of the administration, there should be no great problem adding tea to the list. And as with the prohibition of hemp, they won’t even need a reason.
Once enacted, the Justice Department will then be free to confiscate all tea, and put all those caught distributing or possessing such contraband in prison. Sure, it’ll cost a lot of money — at a time when we don’t particularly have a lot. But it’ll be worth it.
Just think. No more tea parties, and with the lack of it, no more dissent from these deadenders who stubbornly refuse to accept the defeat of limited government. Also, there will be no more legislators receiving teabags, which interrupts them from their all-important duty to spend as much taxpayer money as possible.
Of course, many millions of Americans actually enjoy drinking tea. But as President Obama has repeatedly said, we all need to make sacrifices for the common good. These people will just have to switch to coffee.
That is, until some revanchist decides to hold a coffee party.
del.icio.us
© Copyright 2009 by Colin Cohen. All Rights Reserved.
