The scandal surrounding the thought crime of Miss California, Carrie Prejean, has brought to light the pressing need to bring greater government control over beauty pageants. For never again should such malfeasance and utter disregard for accepted dogma ever be allowed to disgrace our beloved television screens.

Miss Prejan (who, being so backward, would probably prefer to be thus called) disgraced the entire country recently at the Miss Universe competition when — in response to a question regarding the permissibility of gay marriage — incorrectly replied that marriage should be between a man and a woman.

What’s worse, unlike President Obama, who consistently answers this question in the same exact way, this woman wasn’t trying to placate the festering yahoos in flyover country, but instead was trying to demonstrate her command of facts to a group of highly correct judges who know the answer to everything.

And even after losing the crown because of this error — even after her error was explained to her — even after we disparaged and humiliated her on MSNBC nearly twenty-four hours a day, she still refused to capitulate and renounce her malformed thoughts. On the contrary, she, in fact, became even more brazen in her support of the unsupportable.

To avoid such infamy in the future, there is but one answer: the government.

Henceforth, every beauty pageant — regardless of the level of competition — must be regulated by the federal government, to ensure that all contestants meet the proper thought standards prior to competing. This will be accomplished by having the newly established Department of Beauty (under the direction of Secretary Perez Hilton) give each potential beauty queen a test, in which they must illustrate the following beliefs:

• All things gay: good
• All things religious: bad
• Democrats and Greens: good
• Republicans and Libertarians: bad
• Environmental Controls: good
• Free Enterprise: bad
• Welfare: good
• Military: bad
• Abortion: good
• Meat: bad

To help the contestants, we will provide the correct answers on index cards beforehand so that they can memorize them. But if — in spite of this — they still provide even one incorrect answer, they must be disqualified not only from their particular contest but from all such contests. For life.

For tolerance of all is so important that intolerance simply cannot be tolerated.

Of course, this means that the “question and answer” portion of these pageants will be pretty dull. But dull is good. Provocative is bad. And all future beauty contestants need do is to repeat this to themselves, over and over and over.

---

del.icio.us

---

© Copyright 2009 by Colin Cohen. All Rights Reserved.

This column was posted on Monday, May 25th, 2009 at 7:25 am. You can follow any responses to this column through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.